Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
