According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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