Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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