My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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