So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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