fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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