Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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