We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
