The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
