Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
