it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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