you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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