i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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