i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my sisters under your porch take her home
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
