I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
