you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
