I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
