I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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