dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
