I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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