no, he came in my armpit
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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