Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
