he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
