Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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