you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize