we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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