According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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