Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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