i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Congratulations! We have a period
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