You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
