Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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