remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
