I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
