I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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