He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
