I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
