I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
