Only a mothe r could love this liver
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize