I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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