I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
