am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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