Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
