I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize