I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
