I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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