Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
