Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize