I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
