He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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