Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
