I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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