The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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