I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize