Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
