new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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