I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
