are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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